The Story Behind My Passion

Day 2 of The Feel Good Blogger Challenge (www.alexbeadon.com)

Self development and Yoga... They are one in the same really but I didn't know that seven years ago. They both came into my life at the same time and forever changed my life.

Let me give you a little background...

I've always been sensitive by nature even empathic if you will and I'll admit even dramatic. Guess that's why the arts have always been in my path. However, this sensitive nature didn't always serve me well because I always took things to heart. Sure there were other circumstances along the way that led me to believe I wasn't good enough but ultimately it was my choice to believe so. I suffered from depression, erratic emotional behavior and substance abuse. Constantly up and down never really being able to grip my grounding.

 Fast forward I'm in a relationship that I care about but find myself behaving inside these old habits. See, I believed if I had found someone that loved me all of these things would naturally fall away. So why was I still acting this way?

I started practicing yoga at my gym hoping the so called magical properties everyone was talking about would somehow "zen" me out. I went to my first class with high hopes and hated every minute of it. I thought I must DO something. I wasn't comfortable sitting still. I felt like I should be running or biking or doing something fast. I'm naturally flexible and athletic and didn't find the class I was in to be physically challenging enough. When the class ended I didn't plan on going back. I went in thinking it would calm me and left finding myself even more frustrated. After careful discussion with the friend that encouraged me to go in the first place I decided I would try another teacher.

 I went to a new class later that week and fell in love with the instructor. She taught Ashtanga Yoga which is a more athletic form of yoga. It was the physical practice I longed for while slowly connecting the self development work within. I started practicing 3-4 times a week. I remember the first time I did an arm balance pose. It took me three months. I was so proud of myself. It was then I really connected to, "anything worth it takes time and practice". My mind started to slow down and I was able to observe.

In the mean time even though something was opening up for me inside of my yoga practice I still couldn't quite take a hold of my emotional reactions. There was a deep hurt inside. I convinced myself there was something chemically wrong with me and since I'm smart I researched the internet to find similar cases so that I could go to the doctor and tell them I was bi-polar. Since there is no actual test for this just your word the Dr. didn't hesitate to give me medication. Looking back I think, "that was dangerous!"

These drugs alternate the chemical levels in your brain. The test for the which medication would be the right one was trial and error. I went through 3 medications before finding the one that made me the least sick or anxious or numb but taking medication brought on a whole new set of problems in my life. Not to mention myself and my relationship was still suffering.

Just as my relationship was about to end and I was on the self hatred train yet again a friend shared with us The Landmark Forum. It's a three day seminar that promises to awaken you to live a life you love by attaining what ever breakthroughs one wishes to have in life. I was very skeptical. I thought, I had tried everything. I  had already quit drinking and smoking. I had changed all of my friends, I practiced yoga, I read self development books and I still was getting the same results from broken feelings. How was this going to change my life in only three days?


Well, it did. I got my life back. For the first time in my life I had 100% accountability. It took some work after the seminar to clean up my life and I started with my family. I had blamed my circumstances and others for how I had turned out. When I was able to let go of the hurt and be accountable for how I handled each situation without blame, my life turned around. I stopped taking medication and have never needed to return to it. I got that I am perfect whole and complete just as I am. I continued my work with Landmark for 4 years after that. Each year becoming more connected to those in my life and getting more related to my family which made the world of difference. The better my relationship to my parents the better relationship to relationships I had.

The initial relationship I went to fix lasted a few more years until we peacefully broke it off to let one another go so that we could have what we really wanted. I wanted to travel and find someone who shared the same dream of having a family.Which I can say I successfully achieved as I now live happily married after meeting my husband on my travels in Italy and we are creating our life to make space for a little one.

During my years of training in self development with Landmark Education I also received my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Certification. As I got deeper into my yoga practice over the years I realized Asana (the physical practice of yoga) is but a small portion of yoga. It's merely a tool to connect within for deeper meditation and connection to oneself and the universe.

The combination of this self work lead to a lifestyle that I love, adore and cherish. I realized the work I did in seminars and the work I did in yoga class were one in the same. They both taught the same principles but in different ways. The tools I have learned have saved my life and have helped me create a life I am truly passionate about. Because of this I have made it my life's work to share my learning's with others through yoga and other tools so that they too can connect and live a life they love. Of course I am still learning and growing but that's the beauty of it!

Namaste 


"Give back what you've learned. Share your experience." -Deng Ming-Dao

"Be the change you want to see." - Ghandi